Intergalactic Cuteness
by Wolvertique
Summary: Wolverine is transported to one of Mojo's sets, with interesting and infuriating results. Especially for Star Wars fans!


I was walking and thinking out behind the mansion, in one of the tracts of wilderness on the property. Maybe I'd check up on the deer in the northeast. See how they'd survived the winter.

Something was wrong. Before I could do anything, the scents changed, and I was in a jungle. There had been several explosions over to my left, and gas fumes were spewing somewhere in front of me, so I headed right, claws at the ready. Then I heard a voice I hoped I'd never hear again.

"No, no. Cut, cut, cut." Mojo. Damn it. "This won't do at all. Get back to the set."

I was not going to take this crap. I ran along, low to the ground, dodging laser fire as I went.

"Oh, dear. I guess I can't have you in a starring role in this mood, and you're not likely to be compliant anyway…not in this form, anyhow…"

I didn't like the sound of that. Mojo kept blathering on, getting closer and closer. "But…oh, yes. The marketing would be fantastic, better than for the figurines and the posters and the weapons…and best of all, I'd only have to hire one actor. Casting call…"

A fine glowing golden mist appeared in front of me. I turned to avoid it, only to see it was surrounding me. I tried to hold my breath, and Mojo laughed. "Even you have to breathe, Wolvie-boy, and when you do, you'll be working for me."

Fine. Let's see what running through this stuff will do. I bolted, faster than before, more careless of dangers. My clothing started snagging on the plants, as did my skin. But there was too much mist, and I couldn't hold out much longer. So I breathed at last.

I felt my body disintegrating, twisting, and I blacked out for a while. When I opened my eyes at last, I let out an odd, high pitched scream. So did I. And I. And all of me.

I was looking through at least two hundred pairs of eyes. I was much shorter and fuzzier, and my stuff was gone. I was, at least, wearing some clothing on all of my selves, unlike in many of my adventures. I've gone through more uniform tops in a week than Nightcrawler does in a year. I don't get it sometimes.

I heard that insane voice of Mojo's cackling, "Perfect! Who needs Ewoks? To infinite torment with Lucas. My Snikts can kick his Ewoks into the next galaxy!"

I looked down. All of me were short, furry, and dressed in survival gear. Great. I'm the fucking Ewok army. Kurt would probably love this. Hell, Jamie is this. But I'm not Kurt or Jamie. I extended all of my claws, all 200…300…make that 500 pairs of them. Hey. I am a fucking army. That could be a very good thing.

Mojo shrieked, "Quiet on the set! Snikts, hide in the underbrush!"

I used at least ten mouths to shout back at him, "Never!" It came out as utter gibberish. Damn it. I cleared my throats and did my best to figure out how to speak in English with a shorter voice box and a less mobile face.

"Naughty, naughty! Don't speak till it's time for your lines!" Floating cameras came in from all sides, and I did my best to keep all my eyes on them. If I could take them all out…

"Damn," I finally managed from one of me, as I set my selves to take out the cameras.

"Oops. Better put our microphones on five-second delay! We're going for a PG rating here, Snikts, dears. Besides, Snikts appeal to the kids, so we can't have you swearing." Condescending ass…I'll give you appeal to kids. I sent some of my selves leaping for the cameras as the rest of me charged off toward the area where there had been explosions.

It was weird, keeping track of things through different sets of eyes and noses, but kinda interesting, too. Up ahead was a camera to destroy/moving vehicles/sinkholes/angry humans. I blitzed the cameras and Mojo screamed. At the same time, I ran toward the angry humans and they cheered, running alongside me. We caught one of the moving vehicles and took the guy off it who was using it…Mark Hamill? Great…and he was done up like Han Solo. Mojo has no respect for good movies. He'd probably cast Walter Brennan as Citizen Kane. He probably already has.

Three of me rode the vehicle, some kind of aerial motorcycle, and it hit me. If we're in Return of the Jedi and already we'd run into the Rebels, probably we'd run into the Imperials next. Who did Mojo have for those parts?

"Weer…Lay…Ah?" one of me asked Mark, who had been struggling to keep up until several of me broke off to carry him.

"What?" he shouted, cupping a hand to his ear and nearly falling to the ground. I growled. Ah, now that translated just fine into Ewok.

I tried again. "Where…Leia?"

Mark shouted, "Captured by the Empire up ahead. We're supposed to fight them to free her." Several of me tried to frown at him. He shrugged, nearly sending three of me tumbling. "I played along, so I got to read part of the script."

My camera squads were joining us now, so I felt more together than I had before. Mojo was sending out new cameras, of course, but there was more than enough of me to go around and destroy each one he sent.

Gasps came from up ahead, and people stopped. I ran several of me around them and stopped as well. We had met the opposing army and saw its general. Then Mark broke the silence, speaking in a high-pitched, rather crazy voice. "Oh, Bats, this is just precious. I can't go anywhere without you following me. People will say we're in love." He stopped and looked rather surprised. Some of the Rebels were laughing, while others just looked confused.

A tall man, wearing a black cape, body armor, and a mask with tall "ear" projections on it frowned down at him. "I don't know what you're talking about, but I don't know you. And I don't want to. Now let's get this over with, so I can go back to Gotham City."

"Sorry," Mark said in his normal voice. "I just couldn't resist, you know. It's … Batman."

Batman? You gotta be kidding me...though I kinda like the "ears." What are his powers? Can he hang upside down and eat insects or something? Does he get into your hair? Oo. Better warn Kitty.

I had sent a few of me scouting ahead in the trees. I smelled a large number of the Imperial Forces guarding … something. Someone? I sent more of me over to check it out and picked one of my selves to confront "Batman." "What…want…you?" I growled and shook my claws.

He almost laughed. Damn. I'm used to being more intimidating than this. I hope I don't have to rip his kneecaps off for him to take me seriously. He coughed and said, "Look, it's nothing personal. I just have to do this one thing and then I can get back and help someone who really needs it. So let's do this scene for Mojo and then we never have to see each other again."

I shook my head at Batman. I was getting close to where fifty armed guards surrounded a small cabin. I could take them easy. "No," I told him, hoping I'd have an advantage with my stealth maneuver in the background, and with others now helping me take out the cameras, which were mounted with laser rifles.

I started taking out the guards as Batman decided to attack. I fought a multi-front war, hoping that whoever Leia was, she was worth it.

The battle was harder than I'd thought, though my new shorter selves had an advantage. Very few people were trained to take out fighters as short as I was. I managed to get to the cabin, but I had to pull back from Batman and his forces in front. I opened the door, slicing through the controls and enduring the pain from the shocks. My eyes saw a tall gray woman with the typical Leia hairstyle, whose body, eyes, and even hair were … Kevlar? Unique … clad in a white robe, who burst out the door and into the battle. She was alive…maybe a techno-organic creature? She wasn't any robot, that's for sure. She paused a minute and let off a flare from her gun, and then things got really weird.

Another mist rose from the ground, and Mojo's angry voice cut off. A door opened to my left/right/front/back, and Kevlar Leia said, "Hurry out of here, all of you who value freedom. The true Rebellion has come to save you."

Hell, ya didn't have to ask me twice. I ran through the door/helped people get through the door as fast as all of me could. The woman said under her breath as the last of me got out of there, "One day soon, you will pay, Mojo." Typical bad-movie dialogue. She must be a native.

I blacked out again as the last of me got through the door. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in my bed. I cautiously opened my eyes. Only one pair of eyes. Good. Familiar smells in my one nose. Good. One unfamiliar smell. Damn. I sat up as Kitty ran into my room. "Get up, get up! I have to tell you the good news!" She reached for the thing on the shelf by my bed.

"Don't touch that!" I growled.

"Aw, Wolverine…it's so cute, though!" She held back as I turned and looked at it. It was…damn. It WAS cute. A furry doll about a foot high, covered in fur and dressed like an Ewok, stood on my shelf. Its head fur swept up into two points, like my hair, and it had claws sticking out of the backs of its paws. It had a tag on the front with "Snikt! From the galaxy far, far away to your back yard" on it.

Kitty giggled. "It kinda reminds me of the bamfs from my story I told Illyana a few years ago. Only it's you!"

I rolled my eyes and picked it up, cutting the tag off and palming the note that was under the creature's feet. I touched the doll carefully. It was no danger. It was what it seemed to be…a humiliating toy. I threw it to the kid. "Have it. Just don't leave it around or show it off too much. Your story gave me the idea for it."

"REALLY? You made it for ME? Oh, wow! Thanks!" I smiled. The kid was all right, though I was gonna get Mojo back for this…somehow, some day. Maybe I'd give the Kevlar chick his forwarding address. Kitty continued. "By the way, I have something to show you. I came up with another new uniform! It's way cool!" My smile froze.

"Why don't you go get it. I'll wait here," I said, resigned. At least I wasn't in Mojo's world any more. I hoped the new one wasn't as awful as her uniforms usually were. While I was waiting, I read the note.

"Call it a royalty for giving me such a good idea! I'll be using what little footage I managed to get out of those cameras you wrecked for YEARS! – Mojo"

Great. I'll have a galaxy-wide reputation for cuteness. I groaned and shredded the note and the tag, which on the back said, "A Product of the Mojoverse!" Maybe I should make Mojo a special project of mine. Maybe I could even get the rest of the team to help. Yeah. Once they finally stopped laughing, that is.


End file.
